My triple screen came back slightly abnormal, but the high resolution ultrasound told staff and my family that the baby was perfectly fine. None of the things they needed to look at raised a flag. No sign of Down syndrome at all. Had her at my hospital, (a scheduled C-Section, she was breech) a mile from home. We were told she needed bowel surgery right away, god this will always make me tear up...but she was taken to Riley Hospital for Children about 4 hours after I had her. The team that came to get her looked like astronauts pushing this very big scary coffinlike machine with 2 very small windows. My hospital wouldn't release me until 24 hours had passed since my surgery. It was awful not being able to be there with her. When I finally saw her again in ICU they tried to warn me however glad there were people to catch me because my knees actually buckled and I never really thought that was a real thing. So many tubes and machines going in and out of her she didn't even look human let alone like she was supposed to survive. She got stronger everyday though and slowly the tubes came off one by one. Down syndrome was never spoken between any of us, none of us suspected it. 7 days after I had her, I was at Riley by myself still with her in ICU with all the other babies, mommies and nurses. Our nurse asked me if I wanted to hold her....it was the first time, our first moments. NOT 5 minutes passed and some man I had never seen came up and asked me if anyone from genetics had come to talk to me, I said no...why? I know I looked at him like he had the wrong baby. He said, we are pretty sure Cameron has Down syndrome. I felt like I fell 3 stories to my death, all eyes were now on me. Our nurse had to take Cam right back off my lap and I now am bawling, horrified, devastated. They brought me a phone to call John back up to us and I never have sobbed so hard I couldn't find the air to speak words, they had to ask him for me.
All these thoughts of why, and unfairness and God hates me, and I could not handle this, consumed me. My mother died very tragically when I was 4, I never knew that mom and daughter relationship. When I found out Cam was a girl, the day of that ultrasound, I just had this feeling like now is my time to have what was denied of me, I was so so excited. So I thought that it was being taken away from me again! I believed it wouldn't, couldn't be the same. I didn't know anything about Down syndrome! Nothing has made me cry so much. It took about 24 straight hours of that for me to start pulling myself together and start looking for strength to handle this. I didn't get that relationship I had always wanted, I got more. The special love I have for that girl, and the way she loves you back, I just feel like our bond is stronger than it would've been if she was typical. I was not being punished, I was being rewarded. I just didn't know it at first. I look back at that whole experience, if I just would've known then. I've never really beat myself up for the way I felt, I just didn't know. Angels do live on Earth and I have proof. She has already taught me everything my mom couldn't.